{"id":596,"date":"2023-12-24T16:49:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-24T16:49:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/?p=596"},"modified":"2024-06-28T20:32:51","modified_gmt":"2024-06-28T20:32:51","slug":"jewish-geese","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/these-are-humans\/jewish-geese\/\u2019","title":{"rendered":"Jewish geese"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

If I say, “Jewish goose” you immediately picture a rather anti-Semitic image.<\/p>\n

Furry hat? Big nose? Briefcase? Check.<\/p>\n

Maybe your goose has a bag of money.<\/p>\n

Shame on you, and me, too.<\/p>\n

It’s too bad, when we think of a Jewish Goose we don’t see it volunteering at the soup kitchen.<\/p>\n

You didn’t even see a Goose in a doctor coat. “Dr. Gooseowitz.” Probably an ENT.<\/p>\n

No, you pictured a money-grubbing, Elders of Zion goose. Big hat. Arrogant attitude. An obnoxious goose.<\/p>\n

Not even a Special Forces of the IDF goose, probably in the Navy.<\/p>\n

But it doesn’t matter because you thought of Scrooge McDuck’s Jewish associate.<\/p>\n

Imagine how much work we need to do as a people — there’s such antisemitism that even our Geese aren’t safe.<\/p>\n

How do you circumcise a goose? Do you flip it on its back or get under it while it’s standing? The backs are slippery… could be a disaster. Goose dick sounds like a Yiddish word. “Nu, his house is very goosedick, kain aina hara.”<\/p>\n

What’s a goose minyan (prayer quorum) like? “From the depths we squawk at you!” Do ducks count towards the 10? “Well, his mother’s Jewish, and his father’s a subservient mallard.”<\/p>\n

Mother Goose… Imagine if she were Jewish (I know, I know… her agent is.)… “There was an old lady who lived in a shoe — a real goy, can you imagine living in a shoe? — and her grandchildren NEVER CAME TO VISIT! But, nu, it’s ok, I’m happy they’re happy.”<\/p>\n

I don’t know many Mother Goose rhymes and there’s no Google here.<\/p>\n

(Goose google: Gaggle. “Gaggle it!”)<\/p>\n

Goldilocks is a pretty Jewish name… “Nu, did you hear how Goldilocks was evicted by the big bad Morty Wolfe?!”<\/p>\n

(True story, as a kid we had three friends named Baer. They were never satisfied.)<\/p>\n

Listen, you started this by imagining an anti-Semitic goose with a big round furry hate and black coat.<\/p>\n

Now, if I say, “Israeli Goose”… He’s smoking, isn’t he?<\/p>\n

He’s smoking, and he’s wearing a shirt without sleeves, and jeans with too many zippers and ruffles randomly sewn into them.<\/p>\n

Yes, he’s got a gold chain with a star of David, but he’s a proud Jewish Goose… a Joose!<\/p>\n

His shirt has the logo of his army unit, 100%. Look, I don’t make this stuff up, I’m just reporting on what we are all imagining when we hear “Israeli goose”.<\/p>\n

Maybe he’s wearing one of those cute Sabra blue-and-white hats, but you’re aging yourself if you imagined this —<\/p>\n

and of course he’s at the beach, he’s a goose!<\/p>\n

He’s most-certainly arguing with someone, yes, fair. You’re not an Israeli goose if you’re agreeable.<\/p>\n

G-d help me, I’ve just imagined a Los Angeles, Hollywood Jewish Goose.<\/p>\n

“Have your ducks call my ducks.”<\/p>\n

Have you ever tried to clear your mind of a Jewish goose in aviator sunglasses and a lavender cashmere sweater eating an egg salad sandwich at a trendy restaurant? Bits of egg salad everywhere!<\/p>\n

Who serves a goose a sandwich?! They can barely handle bits of bread!<\/p>\n

I mean, I’ve never been relaxed around a human Jew eating an egg salad sandwich. You see it happening, egg salad flying everywhere, and think, “How do we expect to keep OURSELVES together!?”<\/p>\n

“Back to Jewish geese,” you say…<\/p>\n

Russian Jewish Geese?<\/p>\n

Yes, ok, he’s drinking vodka from a crystal glass… yes, he’s smoking… and yes, somehow he has chest hair and a bowling shirt. I am sorry, I do not have any input into this. Yes, he’s sitting outside his Brooklyn two-family, with a giant Cadillac SUV barely fitting the driveway. Facts are facts (Quacks are quacks!).<\/p>\n

A Canadian Jewish goose?<\/p>\n

Well, they’re very quiet and apologetic…way laid back considering how many of them have been stuffed into jackets.<\/p>\n

You know the Long Island Jewish geese are wearing Canada Goose jackets… “Fashion forward!” Even the Jeese (Jewish geese) of Long Island are pieces of sh*t.<\/p>\n

Of course that doesn’t include the relatively docile Jeese of “The Five Towns”, wherever those are.<\/p>\n

Don’t get me started on the Jewish Geese of Teaneck, which, face it is all Teaneck geese — the few goyishe geese (“Geese”) converted.<\/p>\n

~~~ There’s a lot of time here, yes, but I’m not sorry for this, and you read all the way to here, so what’s your excuse?<\/p>\n

Go volunteer! Hit the beach! Enjoy an egg salad sandwhich while I can’t see you.<\/p>\n

Next visiting day is Dec 31 — come have fun in Federal Prison! Reach out to my dad david@thetemans.com for instructions, and to ask if I’m OK. (Am I?)<\/p>\n

Merry “Legal Holiday” as the Aleph prison calendar calls Dec 25 to all who celebrate. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Ari —————<\/p>\n

Group message. Draft 1.0. You may share this message. But why?<\/p>\n

<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If I say, “Jewish goose” you immediately picture a rather anti-Semitic image. Furry hat? Big nose? Briefcase? Check. Maybe your goose has a bag of money. Shame on you, and me, too. It’s too bad, when we think of a Jewish Goose we don’t see it volunteering at the soup kitchen. You didn’t even see […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15730],"tags":[14548,14534,15743,13911,14539,14538,14555,14533,14545,14543,14546,14537,14485,14018,14197,13797,14551,14549,14013,14542,14547,13791,14553,14541,14536,14556,14550,14544,14540],"class_list":["post-596","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-these-are-humans","tag-baer","tag-briefcase","tag-canada","tag-david","tag-elders","tag-ent","tag-five","tag-furry","tag-gaggle","tag-geese","tag-goldilocks","tag-gooseprobably","tag-imagine","tag-island","tag-israeli","tag-jewish","tag-joosesabra","tag-listen","tag-maybe","tag-mcduck","tag-mortywolfe","tag-parents-private","tag-russian","tag-scrooge","tag-shame","tag-towns","tag-yes","tag-yiddish","tag-zion"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/596","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=596"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/596\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7021,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/596\/revisions\/7021"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=596"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=596"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ariteman.com\/writing\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=596"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}