If I say, “Jewish goose” you immediately picture a rather anti-Semitic image.
Furry hat? Big nose? Briefcase? Check.
Maybe your goose has a bag of money.
Shame on you, and me, too.
It’s too bad, when we think of a Jewish Goose we don’t see it volunteering at the soup kitchen.
You didn’t even see a Goose in a doctor coat. “Dr. Gooseowitz.” Probably an ENT.
No, you pictured a money-grubbing, Elders of Zion goose. Big hat. Arrogant attitude. An obnoxious goose.
Not even a Special Forces of the IDF goose, probably in the Navy.
But it doesn’t matter because you thought of Scrooge McDuck’s Jewish associate.
Imagine how much work we need to do as a people — there’s such antisemitism that even our Geese aren’t safe.
How do you circumcise a goose? Do you flip it on its back or get under it while it’s standing? The backs are slippery… could be a disaster. Goose dick sounds like a Yiddish word. “Nu, his house is very goosedick, kain aina hara.”
What’s a goose minyan (prayer quorum) like? “From the depths we squawk at you!” Do ducks count towards the 10? “Well, his mother’s Jewish, and his father’s a subservient mallard.”
Mother Goose… Imagine if she were Jewish (I know, I know… her agent is.)… “There was an old lady who lived in a shoe — a real goy, can you imagine living in a shoe? — and her grandchildren NEVER CAME TO VISIT! But, nu, it’s ok, I’m happy they’re happy.”
I don’t know many Mother Goose rhymes and there’s no Google here.
(Goose google: Gaggle. “Gaggle it!”)
Goldilocks is a pretty Jewish name… “Nu, did you hear how Goldilocks was evicted by the big bad Morty Wolfe?!”
(True story, as a kid we had three friends named Baer. They were never satisfied.)
Listen, you started this by imagining an anti-Semitic goose with a big round furry hate and black coat.
Now, if I say, “Israeli Goose”… He’s smoking, isn’t he?
He’s smoking, and he’s wearing a shirt without sleeves, and jeans with too many zippers and ruffles randomly sewn into them.
Yes, he’s got a gold chain with a star of David, but he’s a proud Jewish Goose… a Joose!
His shirt has the logo of his army unit, 100%. Look, I don’t make this stuff up, I’m just reporting on what we are all imagining when we hear “Israeli goose”.
Maybe he’s wearing one of those cute Sabra blue-and-white hats, but you’re aging yourself if you imagined this —
and of course he’s at the beach, he’s a goose!
He’s most-certainly arguing with someone, yes, fair. You’re not an Israeli goose if you’re agreeable.
G-d help me, I’ve just imagined a Los Angeles, Hollywood Jewish Goose.
“Have your ducks call my ducks.”
Have you ever tried to clear your mind of a Jewish goose in aviator sunglasses and a lavender cashmere sweater eating an egg salad sandwich at a trendy restaurant? Bits of egg salad everywhere!
Who serves a goose a sandwich?! They can barely handle bits of bread!
I mean, I’ve never been relaxed around a human Jew eating an egg salad sandwich. You see it happening, egg salad flying everywhere, and think, “How do we expect to keep OURSELVES together!?”
“Back to Jewish geese,” you say…
Russian Jewish Geese?
Yes, ok, he’s drinking vodka from a crystal glass… yes, he’s smoking… and yes, somehow he has chest hair and a bowling shirt. I am sorry, I do not have any input into this. Yes, he’s sitting outside his Brooklyn two-family, with a giant Cadillac SUV barely fitting the driveway. Facts are facts (Quacks are quacks!).
A Canadian Jewish goose?
Well, they’re very quiet and apologetic…way laid back considering how many of them have been stuffed into jackets.
You know the Long Island Jewish geese are wearing Canada Goose jackets… “Fashion forward!” Even the Jeese (Jewish geese) of Long Island are pieces of sh*t.
Of course that doesn’t include the relatively docile Jeese of “The Five Towns”, wherever those are.
Don’t get me started on the Jewish Geese of Teaneck, which, face it is all Teaneck geese — the few goyishe geese (“Geese”) converted.
~~~ There’s a lot of time here, yes, but I’m not sorry for this, and you read all the way to here, so what’s your excuse?
Go volunteer! Hit the beach! Enjoy an egg salad sandwhich while I can’t see you.
Next visiting day is Dec 31 — come have fun in Federal Prison! Reach out to my dad [email protected] for instructions, and to ask if I’m OK. (Am I?)
Merry “Legal Holiday” as the Aleph prison calendar calls Dec 25 to all who celebrate. 🙂
Ari —————
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